The Last Quiz Night on Earth (NHB Modern Plays) by Alison Carr

Author:Alison Carr [Carr, Alison]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781788503266
Publisher: Nick Hern Books

ACT TWO

KATHY reappears. She’s touched up her lipstick and is back in composed, in-charge, landlady mode.

She turns the stereo off.

KATHY. Right, everyone, welcome back.

I hope you had a good break? I know I did. Sometimes you just need a big wee and things don’t seem so bad.

Is Bobby…? Has Bobby gone?

Looking, he’s not there.

Right.

Right. I don’t know why I’d expect anything different.

Well if it’s okay with you, let’s check in and see if there’s any update on our fiery friend up there –

She turns the stereo’s radio back on – the same recorded broadcast from the start of the play is still repeating. It’s more fragmented, more static, until it jams –

VOICE.…an Emergency Broadcast… not a test… asteroid… collision course… impact imminent… NASA… failed… a World-Ending Event… Recommended action… thoughts and prayers…

…thoughts and prayers…

…thoughts and prayers…

…thoughts and prayers…

KATHY turns it off.

KATHY. Okay. Good. Well, not good, the opposite of good, but… Okay.

Now, unfortunately, it doesn’t look like Rav’s coming back to finish the quiz and the night’s not getting any younger and that asteroid isn’t getting any further away.

So, shall we just add up the scores from the rounds we’ve already done and that be that?

I know it’s not what was promised, and I hate to let you down, for that to be the last thing I do on this earth, but…

BOBBY. I’m sure we can think of some questions for the last round.

KATHY. I thought you’d gone.

BOBBY. I was just having a piss. Sometimes a big wee –

KATHY. And things don’t seem so bad.

BOBBY. Yeah.

KATHY. How’s the whiplash?

BOBBY. If we survive this and there’s a claim to be had, it’s agony.

But otherwise, it’s alright. Bren gave me some painkillers.

KATHY. Did she now?

Right, everyone, count up those scores.

And we need to choose the Best Team Name as well.

BOBBY. Come on, it can’t be that hard to think up some questions.

KATHY. Don’t let Rav hear you say that.

BOBBY. Got one – what was Joe Strummer’s original stage name?

KATHY. No one’s going to know that.

BOBBY. They might.

Does anyone know the answer? Joe Strummer’s original stage name?

The answer is Woody Mellor.

If the audience say yes and know it, then BOBBY can be, like, ‘see’.

If no one pipes up or get it wrong, KATHY can be, like, ‘see’.

BOBBY. Okay, right, here’s another one –

KATHY. Not about The Clash.

BOBBY. Oh.

KATHY. Or if it is, then easy: The Clash.

BOBBY. The Clash’s most famous album is called where_ Calling?

KATHY. Okay, yeah. That’s Question One to Round – what Round is this?

Round Five.

Wait, we should do it properly.

Round Five – Miscellaneous.

Pick a song. The CD cover is there –

BOBBY reads CD sleeve carefully.

In your own time.

BOBBY. It’s a bit of a weird mix.

KATHY. Just pick one. The vibe is dying.

BOBBY. What vibe?

KATHY. Okay well, we’re dying in – what? – half an hour? So pick one.

BOBBY. Got it.

The Clash’s ‘Four Horsemen’ starts to play.

KATHY. What’s that?

BOBBY. What’s that? The Clash.

KATHY. Actually yeah, it does sound familiar. I remember it thudding through your wall into my bedroom.

Okay. Round Five, Question One.

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